Sorry I am a little late with this post, time got away from me. Let me catch you up a little on my marathon training progress. This past Sunday, I ran……17 Miles!!! The most awesome part was that I could walk the next day. I had a little soreness but the only real pain I had was in my shoulder (don’t ask because I don’t know). I have proven to myself that I can run 26.2 Miles again. there is still something that scares the shit out of me. Something I think about all day long. It is always in my brain. Can I "beat the bridge"?? In the Marine Corp Marathon you have to “beat the bridge” to be able to continue and finish to get your medal. To “beat the bridge” you must completely cross the 14th street Bridge by 1:15 PM. So many things scare me about this.
Can I "beat the bridge"? I honestly don’t know. I do know that I need to turn my thinking around about this stupid bridge. So far, all I can think about is not beating the bridge. I have spent very little time thinking about actually beating the damn thing. It is a known fact that I have spent most of my life being the glass is half empty kind of girl. I have to change that, not only in my running, but also in my life. I am going to use this wonderful writing outlet to put all of my doubts and fears on the table.
I guess I should start with my biggest fear. I am terrified of not “beating the bridge” and having to go home with not having accomplished my goal. In other words, I am afraid to fail. I get a stomachache when I think about people asking me “did you finish?” and having to say “No”. I understand in theory that my friends and family won’t hold it against me, but I would hold it against myself so why wouldn’t they. This may sound silly and a little crazy, but it is a real fear in my head. I have spent most of my life making sure I didn’t do anything that I could result in a flat failure. It has only been recently that I have made a conscience effort to force myself out of that thought process. Still it is a hard habit to break. This leaves me with two choices: Quit or Try.
If I am completely honest with myself….. I am a little concerned about not pushing myself hard enough. What I mean is that I constantly ask myself “am I working hard enough”? There are more days than not that I say no to that question. I know there is another level to my effort, my ability and me. I am just at a loss as how to achieve it. Trust me when I say this, I spend a lot of time reading articles and books about running. I am constantly trying to find that insight that will change my whole running lifestyle. That is almost my answer for everything, READING. If I have a problem, that is always my first instinct, to read a book on the topic. This is very hard for me to say…..reading about running has not worked to push me harder, run faster or cure all my mental fears. The people who know me will understand that took a lot for me to admit. Once again, I have to look inside and find these answers. Sigh…..
This is a thing I have talked about before, but I have to mention it briefly. What if I am just not good enough at running to actually “beat the bridge”? What if no matter how hard I train, try to think positive thoughts I can’t do it? As I am writing this, I see that is crap and not true at all. I am not even going to continue this paragraph because that just isn’t true.
Now that I have put my fears on the table, I need to face them and spit in fear’s face. If I don’t “beat the bridge”, I won’t die. I won’t be fired from my job. My family will not avoid my calls. I will not have friends’ unfriend me on facebook. If I look at it like that what do I have to lose? Nothing that really matters. Now if I quit and don’t try as hard as I can….. I will lose a lot more. I will lose respect for myself; I would have a hard time living with quitting. I vow to everyone reading this I will fail way before I EVER quit. I injured myself in my first marathon, couldn’t run at all. I didn’t quit I walked as hard as I could for 10 Miles because there was no way I was going to look at my Dad and tell him I quit. That was not acceptable, quitting. Don’t get me wrong quitting because of a major injury is the smart thing to do, but I am not always smart. I am stubborn though.
I read a quote the other day (it was on my daily running calendar) and I have thought about that quote all week. It said, “Running a marathon is not a physical challenge, it is a mental one.” This statement is so true. I know from talking to many people who have run a marathon. There comes a point with all of us where you have to be stronger mentally than you ever have to be physically. I have two good friends, who say something to me all the time…”I wish you could see yourself through our eyes.” I say that I am going to try. Here is my declaration!!!!!!:
· I will only be positive (about everything). Time to try being a glass is half full girl for a while
· I will work on concentrating on having success instead of failure.
· I will make “I will BEAT THE BRIDGE!” my new mantra